Mean Mommy

My child is pretty darn cute and sweet most of the time, except when he decides smacking mommy across the cheek or smashing a Hot Wheels into her eye socket seems like fun.  So far this week I have had a fat/bruised lip, an elbow to the throat, a hot wheels to the cheekbone and brow, more than one smack on the cheek, a forehead to my tooth, and a strained neck and sore hip after being tackled mid yoga pose.  And it's only Tuesday.  When does a child's accidental injuries to mommy become abusive?  Seriously, each new hit leaves me feeling a little closer to my full blown nervous breakdown. 
Typically my toddler-produced injuries and bruises are accidental and sustained under typical mommy and two year old circumstances.  They are accidental and excusable and even usually minor enough that I forget about them. Which is probably why I have more than once caught a glimpse of a bruise on the back of my knee or shoulder and can't remember where it came from (leaving me wondering "Was that from the elbow he dug into me when climbing into our bed at 5 am, or was it from when I got turned into a human bridge/monkey bar when the rain had us stuck inside?"). 
Tonight however, when I picked Landon up to go up to bed (just like I do every other night), he hauled off and smacked me, flat hand to the cheek. After I got over the shock of the sting that his tiny little hand produced, I then realized that he was giggling about it.  I am sure my face had quite the look on it, which may have been enough to giggle over, but then to add to my pain and shock he decided to smack me again.  This is when from somewhere deep down inside, way back behind where the usual patient, nice, understanding mommy lives, Mean Mommy came barreling out full speed ahead.  My voice dropped at least two octaves before the most forceful "NO" I have ever experienced came roaring out of my mouth.  I must have still been in shock over my sweet boy smacking me just for kicks, because I truly felt like my body had been kidnapped by this Mean Mommy and I was just standing there watching it happen.  Mean Mommy put Landon in the timeout corner and another forceful "Time OUT!" came out in that strange deep Mean Mommy voice.  Landon's elated giggles morphed into a nervous laugh and then a look of confusion and remorse as Mean Mommy retreated and I found myself having a full on cry-fest in front of my two year old. It probably also didn't help that with the tears I was also having a a full on Rain Man moment, unable to use full sentences to convey my thoughts, and left saying only "Hitting, no.... Owies... Hurt mommy."
My sweet, smart child then had one of those moments that make a mommy proud to be a mommy (even through the bumps and bruises).  He climbed out of the timeout corner, gave my cheek a kiss, then sat on the stair next to me before saying "awwy" ("sorry" for any of you who don't speak Toddler).  He then smiled and spread his arms as wide as he could before throwing himself at me for a hug.  This is when his head hit my tooth.

Starting Fresh

(I can't believe how much time slips away from me sometimes...  )


Obviously I haven't been the best about keeping up on my writing lately.  I can blame it on being incredibly busy with a one year old, school, traveling, and all the other things that life involves.  The truth is, the past year was one of the hardest times I have had in my life. It involved MANY ups and downs, doubts, guilt, a lot of learning, and eventually forgiveness (mostly of me forgiving myself).  While I sometimes wish I would have succeeded here in sharing some of those moments, I know that part of what I needed to go through involved closing down the outlets that would involve any judgement or comments at the time from others.
I did start to write posts many times about all of the entertaining experiences I had but never could quite get the words down before I was busy or distracted by something else.


to make up for it, here's the quick catch-up:
After our road trip ended last summer, my brother and his band (Rufus J Fisk) crashed our house for a week and I finally had a chance to get out of the house (and quickly learned I have a much lower tolerance for cocktails than I used to... can NOT party quite like a rock star anymore...).   Jason finally came home from his training (after 7 months of being stuck in BFE Texas) in September. It took us a little while but we adjusted to the return, Landon got used to having daddy around pretty quickly, and I started my last semester of pre-requisite courses for the nursing program.  Halloween involved Landon getting dressed up as a Monster and having a total meltdown after only 15 minutes of trick-or-treating, and mommy and daddy then ate all of his candy without him knowing any better. Right before Christmas our cat, Sully, disappeared and unfortunately never returned.  We ended up adopting a new kitten, Tally, who is Landon's new best friend and has earned the nickname, "Bad" from him. Jason spent most of the beginning of the year looking for a civilian job and finally landed one working in Denver for the state department. I heard the good news while visiting family in Pennsylvania for my niece's 2nd birthday.  During that same visit Landon got his first studio photos (a story I wish I would have blogged about because as much as I was trying to be okay with the idea of paying someone else $100 dollars for a 20 minute photo shoot that yielded 4 generic poses and a couple Easter cards, and a semi-mommy meltdown, I obviously was not). April rolled around and as Jason started his new job he decided it was time to trade in his pimp bachelor car with the tinted windows, rims, and sound system, for a Toyota Prius.  His manhood is still coping with this change so let's just move on...   after deciding that we would most likely be moving back to Denver which meant I was going to be the one doing most of the commuting (an hour to and from school 3-5 days a week) I decided that it was really me that needed a newer more fuel efficient and reliable car.  I traded in my 05 Chevy Equinox, that somehow in the last 10 month ended up with a cracked windshield, dented door, cracked and scraped rear and front bumper, a leak at the foot of the front passenger seat any time it rained, and was pushing 100k miles.  Obviously it was time (and I'm sure the thousands of traveling miles put on it last summer did not help the matter).  I am now the proud owner of a new Mazda CX5. It is the first new car I have ever owned in my life. and will probably be my last, so I soaked up that feeling for a good whole week before I let Landon have a snack in his car seat and tarnish it.  he of course immediately splashed his juice on the window and threw his cheerios on the floor....


and that about brings us up to now. May 9th.  One month since my 27th birthday (I think, unless I did the math wrong again?).  I finished my last final of this semester last night, and am waiting for the final word on official acceptance into the nursing program (I could find out any day between now and the end of the month).  As it looks right now, we will be officially moving back to Denver in July (yah!) and are all VERY excited.  While Colorado Springs has given me some great friends, it is definitely not a place I can say I have enjoyed living.  After one of our neighbors ended up in an armed standoff with police and the swat team earlier this week, my feelings about this town were confirmed (not that it is unsafe per se, but that people are just batshit crazy around here). For the home of Focus on the Family, Compassion International, The International Bible Society, the New Life Church, the Christian and Missionary Alliance, Campus Crusades for Christ, and The World Prayer Center (to name just a few) this town sure isn't very loving, safe, or welcoming.


So, starting fresh.  or backsliding.  however you want to look at it.  Denver! Here we come!!

Design Inspirations

 It has been awhile since I have been inspired to rearrange a room or check out the "oops" paint section just in case there was some amazing color there by accident that would inspire me to completely redo part of the house.  But, lately I have seen a little glimmer of hope for my love of interior design. Knocking down some built-ins (if you can call an awkwardly built and placed nook for a projection tv and tower speaks with adjacent oak shelving a "built-in"...anyway), it must have kick started my home decor creativity again.  I find myself looking at new artwork and thinking of ways to replicate and personalize pieces to add to our house once again.  Maybe it's actually my way of trying to fill the void left by my missing cat.  (but who needs a therapist?)

So, I thought it would be fun to share some of the cool rooms, artwork, and furniture that I have come across in the past few weeks and maybe it will inspire someone else to change things up around their house as well. I will eventually post pictures of any changes we actually end up making.

Bedroom Inspiration:

We already have the gray walls, but I'd like to add a "headboard" like this one.  We have very high ceilings in the master and I think a large wall piece anchoring the bed would be a great addition to that room and give it a lot of height and dimension.  I am also wanting to switch the black and brown frames we have for all gallery matted art with silver/ brushed frames like the ones shown in the first picture.

I also like the idea of adding warmer browns to the room with furniture.  We have 5-drawer dresser that has a warmer/redder dark finish that I'd like to keep in the room.  I think it can have the same affect that the cabinet in the corner does in picture 2.  I also like the use of clear glass in the second photo and would like to find lamps similar to ones pictured.  I'm also contemplating making my own lamps using clear or blue glass bottles as the base (the old square hurricane lamp bases would work great!). If I find blue glass I would most likely use white shades.  If I find clear glass I would use a gray shade like the one shown.

Keeping in the same color tones for the bedroom (grays, white, blues) check out this awesome vintage luggage chair.  If I ever come across the right piece of luggage to do this with, it is definitely going in our room.  Right next to our closet so I can enjoy it everyday putting on my favorite shoes :)

Dining Room:

We currently have some poster prints of some fairly common french graphic art hanging in out dining room but after seeing a recent painting of a chandelier, I think I might have to get my paint out and work on a new piece for the first time in a couple years. I like the proportion of this abstract piece and also the coloring.  Using the abstract as inspiration for a background, I would like to add a sketch of the chandelier painting on top of it. We'll see what it all ends up as...

Other inspirations:

 

Life is a mean little she-devil (sometimes)

It’s been awhile since I have written in my normal (ambiguous, analogy ridden, sarcastic) style so I give my disclaimer to anyone who isn’t used to it.  Look at anything you read from me the way you would look at a piece of art. No matter what you think you know about the subject matter or the artist you can only assume you know what the painting is really about or what the artist was truly trying to convey.  There is always a back story. Assumptions can be made for curiosity sakes but conclusions shouldn’t be generated by those who lack the details.

If you ever have had the experience where you look in the mirror and think it looks like life just punched you in the face, then you can relate right now.  Splash of water followed by dabbing some concealer on my puffy eyes this morning I had to laugh that of all days for it to happen, today is the day my hair decides to look good.  Either that or I am actually getting old enough that my vision is just starting to go to shit and the delusions have set in enough that I just think my hair looks good. Well whatever the reason, I will continue to find the comedy and happiness in the cracks of the bad situations.
Anyway, forget the hair and the concealer and the vanity of my analogies for a minute. Point is, life has punched me in the face once again. She seems to like to do that from time to time and apparently now is one of those times.  And as strange at is sounds, I feel better.  It is like I knew this punch was coming this time and I have been waiting for it to actually strike for so long that the relief of it finally happening and being done with is welcomed. Also, maybe since life has done this to me before I feel a little more prepared this time to treat the wound, prevent the scaring, and begin the healing.  The healing is the part I try to stay focused on.
In my analogy of this life that is throwing punches at me, some people might wonder why I didn’t duck and just avoid the punch altogether.  So I feel the need to explain that my fist-throwing life analogy machine has big red boxing gloves on rotating wheels that will inevitably come back around until they make contact.  In other words, there are some hits in life that are inevitable and out of our control and no matter how long we try to avoid them (ducking) they will eventually hit, usually square on with a resounding “wake-up!” after-ring.
As with so many other situations, I realize that I don’t have control over the punch, I can somewhat influence the initial reaction, but the truth is all I can do anything constructive with is the healing process so we might as well cut through the roller coaster of emotions and get on with getting over it already. 

Landon is  coincidentally learning his own lesson about getting smacked in the face as he slipped yesterday and his face met the floor front on. I'm glad he seems to have his mommy's resiliency and even with some bruises has brushed himself off and continued on.

On The Road Again

In the past two months we've been traveling... A Lot.  And we haven't been able to afford the luxury or the excitement of a full body pat down at the airport. For various reasons (and it obviously wasn't to save money on gas) we've been driving.  Which means we've been experiencing the joys of truckstop bathrooms and near misses with deer, elk, fox, rabbit, squirrel, and vermon (to name a few). From a few days in Steamboat, then Colorado to Texas (and back), and then Colorado to San Francisco, and a weekend in Fresno (with 1.5 hours sitting in traffic), we've put more than a couple thousand miles on the car and thoroughly broken in the new big-boy car seat at this point.  In fact, one of the first "joys"  of our 11 hour drive to BFE, Texas was when Landon's diaper decided to leak and soaked his seat (brand new at the time) with urine... fun.  After a wardrobe change and wipe down, we hit the road again with a towel (slightly damp, but the best we could do at the time) for Landon to sit on for the remaining 8 hours. He (we) survived.

For reasons that most don't understand, I will be continuing to add to the total hours and miles tomorrow with another 10+ hour drive from San Francisco to Portland, returning later in the week to turn around and head to Tahoe (3-4 hours each way).  And then in a few more weeks we turn around to drive back from San Francisco to Colorado and will contemplate wether or not we can handle another trip to Texas by mid-August.  (Anyone have a private plane and a pilot with some time to spare?)

 What has been learned in all of this road-tripping?

• My sanity is stronger than I thought.
• Starbucks employees who "didn't have their coffee yet", don't really have a good excuse. 
• I don't really care if the pacifier is supposed to be done-with by now. It is an essential part of our survival in the car.
• California is home of the bad drivers and even worse grocery cart operators?
• Worst place in U.S. to be wildlife: Texas. Worst place in U.S. to be a human: Wyoming ... and Texas (they're tied at this point).  Although I'd probably do Meth too if I had to live in Wyoming and Texas would most likely only result in my downward spiral into obesity and big truck ownership.

staying beautified

A women goes through a lot to look good (unless your name is Megan Fox, then you don't go through quite as much).


We dye our hair, paint our nails, cram our feet into shoes that definitely lack the right arch support.  Not to mention the tanning, exfoliating, plucking, shaving, waxing, moisturizing... then there's expensive hair cuts.... bras that lift and thongs that aren't visible... make-up that takes away the red spots and undereye illuminators to covers the dark circles, brow pencils, eyeliner, bronzer, lip plumper, lash curlers... curling and flat irons, hair mouse, hair spray, hair shining gloss... heel scrubbers.
We sit on yoga balls instead of office chairs and order salads instead of cheesesticks, yogurt instead of ice cream.
On top of all of that crap (that occurs almost daily, some weekly, a few less than monthly), we work, clean, take care of the kids, go to school, walk the dog, and try to squeeze in some time to occasionally spend with our signifigant other (the one we seemingly do all of the beautification for in the first place).  If we are lucky we have time to eat and if we are really lucky we have time to put on sweats and sit down for 5 minutes of peace and quiet at the end of the day.


And what I have discovered about being a mommy when it comes to beauty routines is you have to all of a sudden do it all on a budget.  Even if you had the money for a sitter, you end up spending most of your beauty budget on formula and more toys to trip on every morning when you run into the babies room (because it is usually still dark outside at this point and you can't see them) and that just doesn't leave anything left over for visits to your "hair girl" anymore.  Yep, you don't get to even relax in the salon for a couple hours every other month while someone else colors your hair and actually asks you how YOUR day is going.  You have to start buying at home color kits again (like you did when you were 14 and your parents wouldn't even think of paying $150 for you to alter your "God-given" beauty at a salon).  And you have to wait for sales on good cosmetics and products or else resort to using wet'n'wild brand or sulfate filled suave again.
As a mommy you soon find yourself standing in the bathroom, legs apart (so the self-tanning lotion on your unshaven legs can dry evenly and the nail polish on your toes doesn't get smudged),  hair-dye goop covering your head (and parts of your face and ears and neck and shirt), while holding a portable uv light up to your whitening gel covered snarled teeth, looking at the stray eyebrow hairs that need plucked and trying to ignore the new wrinkles creeping up around your eyes all while praying out loud that the baby doesn't wake up from his nap in the next 10 minutes.

Will you be my friend?

There's this little issue that I have experienced at various times over the years but find that it is just getting more serious the more that I move around and as I get older... Its something that military people definitely will understand as well as anyone else who frequently transplants themselves to new cities/towns.  I'm talking about the increasing awkwardness of making friends as an adult.
I was getting lunch at a restaurant today with Landon and started talking to a women who said she has a 7 month old little boy.  We chatted while we waited for our food and I wanted to ask her if she wanted to get the kids together sometime or if she wanted to join me and some other moms for a girl's night out. I found myself stuck in that strange place of wanting to be friends with someone new but feeling like I was about to ask them out on a date.
Anyone who has experienced this is already laughing right now as they relive those moments where they met someone somewhere somehow and started talking and thought "I like this person, we could hang out" but then there is that inevitable "umm... do you want to maybe get together sometime?" 
How lame do you feel?  It's like being back in junior high. What if they say "no, that's alright..." or what if, even more awkward, they think you are hitting on them (definitely a big consideration when I lived in San Francisco and even Denver).
In fact, that reminds me of a funny story about my cousin (sorry cous...).  My female cousin and I were out in Denver one night at a neighborhood bar just hanging out and talking to people and being friendly when this girl, Rose, introduces herself and starts talking to us.  My cousin (slightly tipsy and feeling friendly) responds enthusiastically and is excited that girl's name is Rose because that happens to be my cousins middle name. It was obvious to me that Rose was a lesbian but that was really no big deal. She was nice and fun and  we are always up for new friends. It was all good and innocent except my cousin (who might be a little naive on some of these matters) was being her normal friendly, slightly flirty, "two drinks- touchy feely" self.  We all hung out for a little bit then the bartender yelled out last call and we started to get ready to go.  Rose took the opportunity to ask my cousin if she wanted to hang out some other time.  My cousin, excited for a new friend since we had both recently moved to the city said of course! They exchanged numbers and we were on our way.
Well a few nights later my cousin calls me to see if I want to meet up with her and go out downtown (these were my single days- we went out a lot).  She tells me that Rose called her and they are going to go have a couple drinks and then she can meet up with me.

me: Oh really? Rose seemed like fun.  Where are you going to meet her at?  Can I just meet you two somewhere and we can all go out from there?
cousin: umm she wants me to meet her at this hotel downtown
me: a hotel?
cousin: no they have this really cool bar on the top floor I guess.  She said it has a pretty view. It should be cool!

(Now, there are  a few things I know about rooftop hotel bars, they have easy access to hotel rooms and they aren't the place that you meet up with a friend to pre-game before you go out on the town.)

me: does Rose think this is a date?
cousin: what? no! why would she think that?
me:  I don't know.  Maybe she missed the part where you were talking about all those guys the other night?
cousin: no she just wants to hang out.  She doesn't know many people I guess. She seemed fun though so why not?
me: true.  ok well go and I'll meet you in a little bit.

So about two hours later I'm getting off the elevator at the hotel and walking into a restaurant/bar that overlooks downtown Denver that is filled with business people at the bar and couples at candlelit tables along the windows.  I spot my cousin and Rose sitting together at their romantic couple-intended table. (I hold back my laughter.)
Rose who is all of 4'10" with uber short dark spiky hair is wearing a white button down, slacks, black "work boot" shoes and dramatic eye makeup and is looking a little nervous. She seems surprised to see me there and as soon as I sit down I realize she wasn't informed of the plans for the night and now thinks I am crashing her date and invading her turf.
After managing to casually mention that my cousin is my cousin and therefore family (and relieving Rose's worry that I'm stealing her date) I realize that my very straight cousin is still oblivious that she is on a date with a girl, and that Rose, even though my cousin has been talking about the guy she just broke up with, is still oblivious that my cousin is very much into men.
In an attempt to get everyone out of the inevitble awkward, I convince them that we should all go out to another bar.  Less than an hour later, as we are getting dragged into a country bar and my cousin ran into the arms of one her boyfriends, Rose finally admitted that her dream date was not happening and when my cousin's guy pointed out what was obvious to everyone else but my cousin, she finally admitted that her new girl friend thought she was going to be a girlfriend. Oopsies!